Overworked and Overwhelmed, but Not Ready to Leave Your Job Yet? Try This.

Photo by Kinga Cichewicz on Unsplash

Recently, I keep talking with people who feel like they don’t have any choice but to work night after night and weekend after weekend. They don’t want to, but their bosses keep making demands and they feel like they have to do it all.

And they’re on the fast track to burnout.

Fortunately, if this is you, there’s quite a bit you can do to prevent that from happening — and that you have a LOT more power than you think to change what’s going on.

Sadly, I can’t cover the entire universe of tools to address this situation and prevent burnout in one article. So for now, I want to focus on helping you use one of the most important tools: setting boundaries.

I can almost see some of you rolling your eyes and thinking how unrealistic that is. So, let me say up front that trying to set boundaries at work is really scary for many of us. We afraid of losing our jobs. That idea taps into a really primal fear of not being able to meet your most basic needs. And it can also feel really scary and uncomfortable to set limits when you tend towards being either a people pleaser or an overachiever.

But setting boundaries is much more realistic than you think — and besides being incredibly important for your mental, emotional and physical health, your family’s well-being, and your basic social needs, it’s also incredibly important for your performance at your job.

Still, I hear you on how scary it feels. So, I’m sharing a few tips to make it easier.

Start with Getting Clear and Comfortable with Your Limits

You’ve got to get clear on what you need to protect your energy, health, ability to do your work well, time with your kids, and other social needs.

It’s a lot easier to enforce a boundary if you know what it is and feel comfortable and confident that it is a reasonable limit. But when you’ve been immersed in a workplace where everyone seems to work all the time, it can be really hard to get a grasp on what is “reasonable” by yourself. Odds are, you’re accustomed to accommodating way too much.

An outside perspective can help you get clear on what you really want and need, help you work through how to express it, and give you an outside confirmation that your boundary is reasonable and that you should feel confident in it. Unless you know a colleague who seems to have setting limits figured out, it’s generally better to look outside your work bubble to find someone to work through this with. Too often, everyone inside to bubble to has slowly come to accept even a dysfunctional or abusive status quo as the norm.

Don’t Ask Permission, State Your Availability

It is really important to stop trying to set limits by asking for permission and hoping that you can get your employer to understand and agree. That attitude gives away all of your personal power and makes the default assumption that the answer is “no” — that you have to ask for permission, that you’re going against the norm, that you need an exception.

It’s really easy for an employer to ignore that kind of a boundary — because really, it’s just a request. It puts you in the position of relying on your boss to empathize or understand where you are coming from. But maybe empathy isn’t one of their stronger skills or maybe they have a completely different life situation and they don’t understand your point of view. That can happen with even a great boss.

Instead, think of a limit as simply stating what you’re available for. It isn’t defensive, it isn’t something you need permission to do. It’s simply stating a fact — what you’re available for.

That makes the default assumption “yes” to your boundary and puts the burden on your boss to choose whether or not to try to override your limit.

Be a Team Player and Help Solve the Problem

In many situations, and especially if you are still getting comfortable with setting boundaries, I really like leading with an attempt to solve the problem rather than just saying “no” or “I’m not available.” (There’s nothing wrong with just saying you aren’t available, btw — but especially when you are just learning to exercise that boundaries muscle, offering a helpful suggestion can be an easier lift.)

What are some ways you can show you’re part of the team and committed to the business’s needs being met?

· Suggest a more appropriate person: Now, I’m not saying throw someone else under the bus who is just as busy as you are. But do you have a colleague who is really the better person to do the project? Or who just has more availability than you? Try a reply along the lines of “You know, I think James down the hall is the perfect person for this.”

· Bring on internal or external help: “I’d like to bring Amy in to work on this too, to make sure we hit the deadline” or “You need this Wednesday? Let’s pull in outside council if that’s a hard deadline.”

· Change the time frame: “Sure, I’m happy to, although if it’s just me working on it, we need to bump out the deadline a few days.”

· State when you can do it: “Sure, I could start on that next Monday” conveys your willingness to pitch in — as well as your limited availability.

Here’s the thing: Most people are way more reasonable than we expect they will be. But if you’re responding to every email at night or saying yes to every project, well, they have no reason to expect anything different from you. And so, the cycle will continue. We’re often so concerned about how about how a boss will react, that we never give them a chance to respond to a thoughtfully expressed limit.

Have Some Go-To Responses at Hand

All of this making your stomach tighten up? Have a hard time telling people no? Find yourself repeatedly deciding that you’re going to start setting some limits, but then saying “yes” again and again in the moment? Just plain terrified of saying anything other than yes at work?

Recall a few scenarios when you’ve felt obligated to take on more work than is reasonable. How did that arise? Who brought it to your attention? How did he or she communicate it to you?

Then, think of some responses that could have held a boundary for you. If you can’t think of any, that’s ok — try brainstorming with someone you trust to see if together you can come up with some ideas. Take anything you come up with and write it down! Take that list to the office (or home office), to have nearby when the next situation arises.

It might also help to come up with a few phrases to buy yourself some time to think before you give an answer. A couple simple ones could be, “Oh, let me check my schedule and get back to you” or “Let me look at that and touch base after my call.” Try coming up with a couple similar phrases are tailored to your particular workplace.

So You Tried All This and Your Boss Kept Saying No…

Ok, so first, don’t try this out once and then say it doesn’t work. Learning how to effectively communicate boundaries is a skill you have to practice! Most people never get past the assumption that they can’t set a boundary or that it wouldn’t work in their office. But that keeps them from ever trying and ever learning how to make it work in their situation.

But it’s just reality that there are unreasonable and abusive employers and managers that don’t care if they are squeezing employees dry.

If you are consistently met with hostility, anger, warnings, abrupt refusal, or silence in response, you’re learning a lot about your current career, company or boss. And it’s up to YOU to decide if that’s a situation you are wiling to stay in and keep subjecting yourself to.

I’m not suggesting you walk out the door tomorrow, especially given the state of the economy. And I know it is really scary to think about leaving a job. But even beginning to actively explore a change or an exit strategy can make your current job feel a lot less stressful.

Because seeing the light at the end of the tunnel makes it a lot easier to keep going.

Be clear, be confident and don’t overthink it. The beauty of your story is that it’s going to continue to evolve and your site can evolve with it. Your goal should be to make it feel right for right now. Later will take care of itself. It always does.